Who Are We?

Unaustralian is a satirical news service for those who share our opinion that patriotism is not a virtue.

We welcome contributions from our readers. If you have something unaustralian to say, send it in.

We won't pay you for it but we might send you a t-shirt. It won't fit though. Be warned.


Craig, we've stopped counting your votes. Desist.

Asylum Seekers Must Pass Beep Test

Claims processing to require a score no less than eleven
From sports correspondent Chad Sexington

In an attempt to improve Team Australia’s flagging sporting performances a joint committee involving the unusual alliance of peak sporting bodies and Border Security has been established.

A spontaneous training session on Christmas Island following the policy announcement. Image: MorgureFile

New policy has been handed down by the Minister for Immigration & Border security, in conjunction with the ARU and the Minister for Sport. The edict relates to the ability of asylum seekers to achieve a Beep test result of 11 to gain entry to Australia.

“We know from extensive testing with ARU players that they can get about 10 on a Beep test, but they keep losing. Our high performance manager as tasked any asylum seekers to top that mark so they can be shipped into the Wallabies squad for upcoming European Tour matches. This way they can give measurable contributions to Team Australia” a spokesman said.

Minister Morrison also added “If they really are asylum seekers they should be used to running, and be quite fast at it too.”

Comments are closed.