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Unaustralian is a satirical news service for those who share our opinion that patriotism is not a virtue.

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Craig, we've stopped counting your votes. Desist.

God Stopped the Boats

Abbott inadvertently reveals driving force behind controversial immigration policy.
From Melanie McLuhan, Brisbane.

The government is in crisis management mode today after the Prime Minister inadvertently let slip to G20 leaders that the successful boat turn back policy was not implemented by cabinet, but by God.

“I said that I would stop the illegal boats that were coming to our country, and they have, thank God, stopped”, Abbott told an incredulous audience of world leaders.

Abbott’s revelation confirms the first divine intervention in any government’s foreign policy since the ill-fated instruction to George W. Bush to invade Iraq in 2003.

A spokesperson for God refused to divulge details of the intervention, claiming that the deity is not at liberty to disclose the specifics of on water operations. However the spokesperson reiterated that “God does indeed decide who comes to Australia, and the circumstances in which they come.”

Transportation to Australia to Resume

Government to Deploy Convict Labour to Fight Wage Pressures
From our Canberra correspondent Robbie Evans

In a joint statement from Canberra this morning, UK Prime Minister David Cameron and his Australian counterpart Tony Abbott announced the resumption of transportation.

Penal Colony status restored. Image: Stock.xchng

“Britain has a burgeoning prison population and Australia has a wage inflation problem. This is a true win-win” Mr Cameron said.

The agreement is a coup for Mr Abbott, who has relentlessly pursued a low-cost source of labour since taking office last year. “For too long Australian workers have not only expected a job, but the worst of them, and by that I mean union members, have insisted on getting paid [for] it as well. This announcement today will go a way towards ending that little racket.”

The expected labour savings will provide a much needed cash injection to Mr Abbott’s mining and industrial overlords, soon to be burdened with significant expenses associated with maintenance of the knighthoods coming their way.

Asylum Seekers Must Pass Beep Test

Claims processing to require a score no less than eleven
From sports correspondent Chad Sexington

In an attempt to improve Team Australia’s flagging sporting performances a joint committee involving the unusual alliance of peak sporting bodies and Border Security has been established.

A spontaneous training session on Christmas Island following the policy announcement. Image: MorgureFile

New policy has been handed down by the Minister for Immigration & Border security, in conjunction with the ARU and the Minister for Sport. The edict relates to the ability of asylum seekers to achieve a Beep test result of 11 to gain entry to Australia.

“We know from extensive testing with ARU players that they can get about 10 on a Beep test, but they keep losing. Our high performance manager as tasked any asylum seekers to top that mark so they can be shipped into the Wallabies squad for upcoming European Tour matches. This way they can give measurable contributions to Team Australia” a spokesman said.

Minister Morrison also added “If they really are asylum seekers they should be used to running, and be quite fast at it too.”

PM Cancels Election Promise to Indigenous Communities

Robbie Evans in Canberra
A press release from the office of the PM has stated that Mr Abbott is disappointed to be unable to spend a week meeting with the traditional owners of his back yard, citing pressing international matters that outweigh the electoral benefits of being seen to give a toss.

“I would love to spend more time out in the [indigenous] communities, but there is nowhere for me to do my swimming leg for my triathlon training” the PM Said yesterday.

“I will be making up for this missed opportunity by booking in an extra-long stay at the Barangaroo community once it is up and running. It makes more sense for me to visit that community as they will not only have a fifty metre swimming pool, there will also be an espresso machine in the kiosk. I just hope they can hire a decent barista with all the handouts we’ve given them.”

Mr Abbott was quick to add that this isn’t a broken “core” election promise as he had no “core” intention of committing to it in the first place.

The PM prefers Barangaroo for his promised visit to a remote aboriginal community. Image: Stock.xchng

Government to Expand Renewable Energy Target

Hunt to Designate Coal as Renewable

In a move that has stunned energy pundits and economists alike, the federal government has proposed a bold expansion of Australia’s renewable energy target.

The approved list of renewable energy sources, hitherto restricted to energy sources that are … ummm … renewable, has been amended by Environment Minister Greg Hunt to include Coal.

“The term renewable is a relative concept”, a defiant Hunt told reporters yesterday. “What is renewable is a matter of time scale, and that should be a matter for the Australian Coal Association … umm I mean the Australian people to decide.”

The UNFCCC considers a source to be renewable if it is replenished within human time scales. And that, claims Hunt, is arbitrary. “This restrictive definition is biased towards earth-mother sissy energy sources like wave, tidal, ocean, wind and solar, just because the source does not diminish within a human lifetime. Well that is just too short. We think the time scale for renewability ought to be developed on a time scale more consistent with policy development. Specifically, Liberal Party policy development.”

As coal is formed within about 200 million years (give or take) Mr Hunt’s proposed time scale easily brings Coal within the scope of a “renewable” energy. However Mr Hunt would not comment on whether his proposal may also include background radiation from the big bang.

MRET endorsed wind turbine.

Australia To Reinstate Imperial Measurement System

A scoop from our friends at The Shovel:
Australia will revert to using miles, ounces, yards and furlongs next year, more than 40 years after the imperial system was first phased out in favour of metric measurements.

Prime Minister Tony Abbott made the announcement late yesterday as part of his broader plan to return to colonial era thinking.

“Too often we cast tradition aside without due consideration to the impact it has on our social fabric,” Mr Abbott said in a speech to Parliament. “This is a natural step, an important step in our future as a nation”.

Mr Abbott, who said he had been considering the change for some time, pointed out that many Australians already regularly use the imperial system. He joked that Senator George Brandis had recently asked him to guess how many yards of bookshelf space he has. “I guessed two hundred, which, as it turns out, was miles off,” Mr Abbott said to laughter.

The correct length is 28 chains.

While the cost for changing existing infrastructure, such as road signage, could run into the thousands of pounds, Mr Abbott said it would be money well spent.

View the original article at theshovel.com.au/2014/03/25/australia-to-reinstate-imperial-measurement-system/.

Unaustralian is not associated with The Shovel. We wish we were though, they have much better pictures.

Revealed: carbon tax will impact energy sector

Shockwaves rippled through the labor government this morning in the aftermath of The Australian’s front page revelation that the carbon tax will reduce the profitability of coal fired electricity. It has also been revealed that the entire energy sector faces restructure as coal comes under increased competition from alternative energy sources.

“We are shocked by this news ,” a government insider told Unaustralian. “Shocked not so much by the impacts of our policy, as by the revelation that it appears to be having precisely the effect we intended it to have. This is unchartered territory for us.” According to another source, the government is completely unprepared for the event of a policy actually succeeding in its objectives. “We have no back up or contingency plans … no plan B. This event is simply without precedent.”

In an exemplary piece of investigative journalism, The Australian’s Victorian Political Editor, John Ferguson, laid bare warnings issued by the Latrobe Valley Transition Committee that “The introduction of a carbon price is expected to affect coal-fired power generation profitability and cause a major transformation in the electricity as renewable generation and other transitional energy sources (such as gas) become more competitive with coal.”

No shit, John.

It is unknown how Mr Ferguson obtained the information to reach these conclusions. Some media analysts suggest Mr Ferguson must possess a profound grasp of political and microeconomic principles. However, others suggested the seasoned journalist simply typed ‘carbon tax’ into Wikipedia.

Mr Ferguson was unavailable for comment.

Dear Gina

It has come to the attention of our editorial staff that you have been on the lookout for some form of mass communication medium which you intend to deploy for the purpose of gaining political and economic influence.

It has also come to our attention that you are willing to part with some money in return for such a medium.

Further, it has come to our intention that you have an awful lot of money.

Obviously, Gina, you have never heard of advertising.

Nevertheless, we at Unaustralian are eager to assist with your endeavour. This trusty little blog will happily put out whatever message you like for a fee of barely half of that which you are willing to part with in return for Fairfax Media. What’s more, Gina, we will not require you to sign any pesky Charter of Editorial Independence document. This is partly because we don’t have one, but mostly because we could really use the cash.

Now you might be thinking that this noble blog has but a small readership and pretty much no influence, but I must urge that you put such reservations aside. In fact, we are confident that you have already done so, given that Fairfax Media, should you succeed in acquring it, would quite likely have an even smaller readership, be somewhat compromised on the matter of political influence, and have a net worth of a shade less than a pinch of shit.

Please communicate your desire to proceed with these arrangements by way of rant at the next anti-mining tax demonstration. At least you’ll know someone apart from Alan Jones will be paying attention.




Navy Cleared of Negligence, Guilty of Bullshitting

In an internal report into the 2011 Christmas Island asylum seeker tragedy, the Customs and Border Protection Council has found both itself and the Navy to be faultless. Meanwhile, the Indonesion sailors allegedly in control of the doomed vessel have been charged with the facilitation of people-smuggling.

According to Customs, the Navy first sighted the vessel at 5.40am, at which time it was reported as “not in immediate danger”. Nevertheless, it took the Navy almost one and a half hours to reach the boat after it received reports of the crash. Apparently this was reasonable, “due to the weather.” Odd that a fishing boat seemed to be doing just fine, while the Navy had to hide around the corner.

Even more odd is that we are locking up the fishermen. Perhaps we should be giving them a job teaching our sailors how to drive a boat.

Bad Navigator Rewarded with Young Aussie Gong

Jessica Watson, the schoolgirl who famously did not sail around the world, has been named the 2011 Young Australian of the Year.

In conferring the award, The National Australia Day Council acknowledged that Miss Watson has long “dreamt of sailing solo, unassisted, non-stop around the world”. Which is true. The Council went on to claim that “at the age of 16, she made it happen”. Which is not.

To be sure, Miss Watson did sail a very long way. And indeed she did so solo, unassisted, and non-stop. It was just that pesky “around the world” part that brought her unstuck.

One of the things a young sailor needs to know, if they want to be acknowledged as a global circumnavigator, is the World Sailing Speed Record Council’s definition of a circumnavigation, which is really just a fancy statement that explains how to go around in a really big circle. It seems that if Miss Watson was aware of this definition, she seemed to think it didn’t apply to her. It did.

And no, Jessica, it’s not because you’re under 18 that the WSSRC is refusing to acknowledge your achievement. It’s because you didn’t sail around the bloody world!

As to the Young Aussie gong then: it can only be inferred that the Aussie Day Council has acknowledged Miss Watson for being the youngest person to sail solo, unassisted, non-stop, for a really long way, and for absolutely no point whatsoever.

Well done Jessica. Mind the freighter.