God Stopped the Boats

Abbott inadvertently reveals driving force behind controversial immigration policy. From Melanie McLuhan, Brisbane.

The government is in crisis management mode today after the Prime Minister inadvertently let slip to G20 leaders that the successful boat turn back policy was not implemented by cabinet, but by God.

“I said that I would stop the illegal boats […]

Transportation to Australia to Resume

Government to Deploy Convict Labour to Fight Wage Pressures From our Canberra correspondent Robbie Evans

In a joint statement from Canberra this morning, UK Prime Minister David Cameron and his Australian counterpart Tony Abbott announced the resumption of transportation.

Penal Colony status restored. Image: Stock.xchng

“Britain has a burgeoning prison population and Australia has […]

Asylum Seekers Must Pass Beep Test

Claims processing to require a score no less than eleven From sports correspondent Chad Sexington

In an attempt to improve Team Australia’s flagging sporting performances a joint committee involving the unusual alliance of peak sporting bodies and Border Security has been established.

A spontaneous training session on Christmas Island following the policy announcement. Image: […]

PM Cancels Election Promise to Indigenous Communities

Robbie Evans in Canberra A press release from the office of the PM has stated that Mr Abbott is disappointed to be unable to spend a week meeting with the traditional owners of his back yard, citing pressing international matters that outweigh the electoral benefits of being seen to give a toss.

“I would love […]

Government to Expand Renewable Energy Target

Hunt to Designate Coal as Renewable

In a move that has stunned energy pundits and economists alike, the federal government has proposed a bold expansion of Australia’s renewable energy target.

The approved list of renewable energy sources, hitherto restricted to energy sources that are … ummm … renewable, has been amended by Environment Minister Greg […]

Australia To Reinstate Imperial Measurement System

A scoop from our friends at The Shovel: Australia will revert to using miles, ounces, yards and furlongs next year, more than 40 years after the imperial system was first phased out in favour of metric measurements.

Prime Minister Tony Abbott made the announcement late yesterday as part of his broader plan to return to […]

Revealed: carbon tax will impact energy sector

Shockwaves rippled through the labor government this morning in the aftermath of The Australian’s front page revelation that the carbon tax will reduce the profitability of coal fired electricity. It has also been revealed that the entire energy sector faces restructure as coal comes under increased competition from alternative energy sources.

“We are shocked by […]

Dear Gina

It has come to the attention of our editorial staff that you have been on the lookout for some form of mass communication medium which you intend to deploy for the purpose of gaining political and economic influence.

It has also come to our attention that you are willing to part with some money in […]

Navy Cleared of Negligence, Guilty of Bullshitting

In an internal report into the 2011 Christmas Island asylum seeker tragedy, the Customs and Border Protection Council has found both itself and the Navy to be faultless. Meanwhile, the Indonesion sailors allegedly in control of the doomed vessel have been charged with the facilitation of people-smuggling.

According to Customs, the Navy first sighted the […]

Bad Navigator Rewarded with Young Aussie Gong

Jessica Watson, the schoolgirl who famously did not sail around the world, has been named the 2011 Young Australian of the Year.

In conferring the award, The National Australia Day Council acknowledged that Miss Watson has long “dreamt of sailing solo, unassisted, non-stop around the world”. Which is true. The Council went on to claim […]